A Sharp and Silent Satire

The World Wide Wonder is responsible for many things. Ebay, Wikipedia, Porn.... More Porn. It is a colourful array of pass time options. It is also fast becoming the main source of communication. Gone are the days when we would talk to each other and laugh together. We now LOL. It is a form of laughter without the laughter. I would bet money that when you LOL you are not actually laughing. LMAO and ROFL were beyond me, I had to 'Google' them. Short ways of conveying an action that your friend cannot see.


I am not behind the times or some kind of Anti-Web revolutionary, armed with fountain pens and stamps smashing modems in my Royal Mail cape. I am no superhero. This here, is a superhero...


So my reason for the Title today. Along with the joys of browsing the online Argos (much the same as going to the shop, but with less walking) and finding answers to questions that you would only ask when your comfort mask of Internet anonymous is strapped to your face, those of us who like to attempt humour and not spend our day obtaining champion wrist cramp, are lost here.

We are accused of being rude when quite clearly, to us, we are attempting to take tone on a screen. About as easy as getting a corset on a giraffe. An informative communication is taken as snappy and harsh. Obvious rules. If I give you a one word answer, that is an answer, yes? informative but brief. If I give the same answer and follow it with ShitSandwich, I am being rude to you. Which would you rather have. Peoples assumption that I am being short with them is bringing me ever closer to using the second one on a regular basis. '3pm' will change to '3pm ShitSandwich!' Nobody wants that. Let's all reach a resolution lovely people.

We are all human beings. Life is too short to spend it with you assuming, me replying, you expressing your feelings and retracting your assumption, me plotting against you.

I'll make it simple. I will end all hesitation and doubt in the world wide worries that befall some distressed, obsessed individuals. I feel for you, I want to help you, I know you need to convey your objections at peoples chosen form of wit. Allow me to present to you, an answer that you can use when considering your next complex and mesmerising post or message. I promise it will solve these ills.

Fuck Off.

....to the rest of you, I bloody well love you to pieces, you are all great. I want to hug you.

Realistic Story Corner

Fairytales and Nursery Rhymes.

Humpty Dumpty is a victim of the inappropriate stamp of dislike (Politically Incorrect Character). Judging by his shape his fall and demise was inevitable. First off, his shape was Egg like, so even in checkered shorts he wouldn't have been able to maintain his posture and stability. I don't think Humpty ever sat on that wall, I think he may have attempted to, but his efforts were met with failure. I would have thought that after having spent some time attempting to sit at ground level and ending like the tortoise on its back flailing about trying to correct himself, Humpty may have had the sense not to attempt the same feat on a wall. According to the book below, which has apparently passed the traum-o-meter, although Humpty was not appropriate on a wall, he did have a chance to procreate. I don't even want to know how that worked.



Next, Three Blind Mice had their tales removed by a lady in a kitchen. Again politically incorrect. I apologise for my naivety, I guess that these days we lure them from the kitchens of England by offering them Waitrose Gruyere and reciting Tennyson. It's not wrong, it's realistic. If I met a mouse in my kitchen I certainly wouldn't Hi Five it.

The Brothers Grimm penned an elderly child eater. However as a child I never considered the possibility that I may be eaten. I was sitting there mindscreaming "IT'S A HOUSE MADE OUT OF GINGERBREAD, BLOODY GINGERBREAD" No consequences, just baked goods.

If you go in a book shop now, you will see a lot of the visible character books are based on characters that have airtime on major TV channels. So hey, maybe it's not political correctness. I am being a pessimist again aren't I? It is for the children. Humpty is a traumatic tale of uncaring non-vegan bastards on horse back not meeting the needs of the local Egg shaped wall climbing nutcase.

Hooray for In The Night Garden, with their nonsensical speech patterns and mesmerising music. Don't give your child Dumpty, give your child this....



Yes, Time To Wash Faces with Macca Pakka.

Yes. That is the acceptable face of young childhood storytelling. Those cold eyes just spell fairytale, don't they? Bless him.

Anyway. Enough of my nonsense.

Unpredictable Friday/Advanced Mathematics

Hey, today is Friday. The party begins here people. Let's launch ourselves into the weekend revelry by getting a little crazy. Allow me to engage to good people of web with a lovely image, Ministry of Sound album cover? Hardhouse podium Dancer with glow bracelets?

That's the Lorenz Attractor. It is beautifully complex. It is mathematical soft porn. Apart from the known Butterfly effect, it is one of the definitive descriptions of what is known as Chaos Theory.

Seemingly unpredictable movements taking place in a determinative system. The rate of some things being constant in movement, for example, being made unstable at the point of origin, with the effects only being seen once the initial disorder reaches a wider scale.

The mission is to find the factors at the point of origin that produce Chaos, giving order to Chaos, as there is Chaos in order.

So for some Friday fun, I'm going back to basics. As an alternative to Twitters Follow Friday, I am going to show a little appreciation to the wonderful people who think in numbers.

The picture above shows that basic order and disorder in it's mathematical form, can be an extremely beautiful thing.

Turn off Twitter, turn off Facebook, go outside and appreciate the simple and seemingly mundane things. They are not as mundane as you think.

That is all.

I like MS Paint

Oh look, a little Omen-esque drawing. Character from a little short I worked on last year. One of many little things in my desktop box of unfinished fun. A unusual ode to an admired writer. (Yes, that writer) What can I say, I likes what I likes boys and girls.




That is all.

A Cynics Romance

Something, a bit rhymey. Was reading a lot of Edgar Allan Poe last night. Anyway, here, have some of this.

Give me this rain and a beautiful grey sky
Bring me the winding road and hills
And bring me a still and silent gaze
Give me lust in it's bracing phase
A sharp wit and a cynics smile
While the rest walk by
In search of loves illusions
Give me a refusal to submit
And an amusement of fear
That apprehends the mind
With a tight unwavering grip
And leave me
To savor and write.

Damien Thorn Says F&@k The Naughty Step

I have low tolerance for tantrum throwing children, not all, the kind of children who turn over furniture in Argos after their mother denies their request for Lego. They land in a heap on the floor and form some kind of public protest slump. You know the ones I'm talking about.

If you are the parent of one of these children, this is not a break down of family dynamics that needs time out clocks, naughty steps and Jo Frost therapy. You don't have issues, this family has issues.


My reasoning for this post, I was in Homebase this morning buying a shelf. I witnessed what seemed like a human firework display going off in the paint aisle. A lady was trying to secure a small person who had obviously become upset and in order to demonstrate their frustration were throwing themselves into the Dulux. The small person landed on the floor and commenced with angry flailing star shapes. It was amazing. I was rather impressed, the flailing human then started to move the show along the floor in an effort to make aggressive contact with the now distraught mother, who had probably only come in for a tin of duckshell.

The grand finale was this one-stop tantrum shop acquiring his mothers bag, and lassoing it down the aisle where the contents promptly dispersed. One of the items landed close to my ankle so I made my way cautiously into the arena of conflict to return it to her. With a look of embarrassment she thanked me and explained briefly that the violent remix of Proms in The Park had been initiated by her refusal to give him a Kit Kat.

My presence obviously rendered her unable, in her mind, to appropriate any form of discipline, she turned and offered him a Kit Kat Ceasefire. He promptly returned to his chauffeur driven throne and awaited payment.

When did we, the adults, start entering hostage negotiations over snacks.

I never baby talk children. My generally firm tone secured me the title Scary Auntie Gemma. I retained the title for many years.

Although the Homebase mother will not be reading this, if your child is in Tesco's collapsing and spinning like a raging sprinkler over a bag of Wotsits, be reminded and take heart. You do not have to submit. You do not have to retreat or be afraid. Your child is testing you. Your child is extremely smart and quick witted, treat them as such.

They may seem to you miniature ticking time bombs in Mr Men Tshirts, but believe me, your child is no Damien Thorn.

The Acrimonious Pleasure Theory

Is the aspiration for pleasant, well behaved serenity, a sensible one?

According to the man who inpired the term Sadism, the answer is no.

"They declaim against the passions without bothering to think that it is from their flame philosophy lights its torch."

-Marquis De Sade

The first question, regarding our human behaviour is, what constitutes unreasonable behaviour? The second, by what measure do we define reasonable?

The second question if far harder to answer. Unreasonable has several definitions, some consecrated by law. Reasonable is a subject of state, a term of contentment.

So, at the beginning of this piece, I asked whether well behaved reasonable aspirations are sensible. Sensibility itself lends to the spirit of mild mannered existence.

Sensiblis is the latin origin, meaning perceptible to the senses. the next definition is to be aware. Later description of the term is reasonable, then practical rather than fashionable. Last meaning recorded capacity for refined emotion.

How do we answer the first question, when our own history of the the terms by which we measure our good behaviour have been a deviation.

The Marquis De Sade was arrested and confined to an asylum for his unreasonable thoughts. Reading his work you can make your own decision on whether any of it is acceptable. His was a crime of creating a fiction of extreme. Had his discourse been a documentation of war, it is doubtful that he would have reached this end. Eroticism was the thin dividing line.

My definition of reasonable is simple, to not inflict distress upon others where undeserved or uninvited.

When measures start to decide upon character based on polite conduct or private practice, that is when we are in danger of slowing civilisation to a crawl. It is a rule governed by the next mans society. If you choose not to become a part of someone else's ideals that is not unreasonable.

Personally i find a certain measure of passion and anger desirable. It shows depth.

The enjoyment of anger and pain is far from unreasonable. If it is invited and agreeable to those involved, then it is just as it would be if the the two things were the polar opposite.

To classify the enjoyment as depravity, is the work of the bores.

The world was civilised by far more than well mannered etiquette.

Philosophy takes a measure of all behavioural instincts to function.

Just Sayin'.